Cloud Atlas

I wish I had the words.

I am so often scared that I have forgotten how to feel things. That I go through life and don't notice small things, beautiful things. That I can't remember how to relate to people or open up. Be honest. I feel that I don't have meaningful conversations and I fear that I am forgettable. What if I've forgotten how to relate to people? What if I don't know how to fall in love? I'm afraid that I am incapable of higher emotion. I can feel momentary elation. I can get scared. I can cry because I'm sad. In fact, I experience these things all the time. But what about joy. Empathy. Loyalty. Passion. Love. I don't know where my passion went. I don't know when it went. I just remember walking in the courtyard of the jfsb one day during winter semester and talking to my mom on the phone, tearing up because I'd realized that it was gone. I hadn't noticed it leave. I want to feel things strongly again. I want courage, peace, excitement, devotion, spirit. Happiness? Maybe. Some days I wonder... Most of all, I want to love with all my soul, love with a love that is more than love. I want to feel connected with the world around me. After all, "our lives are not our own." There is something so much greater than what I am. Some times, like tonight, I am reminded of that so strongly that I can't believe I ever forgot. But I do. I forget, and then grace is kind enough to remind me again. Then, I am hopeful. I have hope that I will one day be able to feel strongly and passionately; that I won't fear love, but embrace it; that I will see beauty in everything, and not be ashamed to cry; and that, after all this, I won't forget, but grow in my remembrance and passions. When that day comes, I will be able to express how I feel.

But I don't -- at least, not the right ones. So just listen to this. Listen, and feel.