It's been a long time.

Oh hey there. I thought I used to have a blog, and here it is! It's been a long time since I've been 'round these parts. I hope you'll excuse my absence... I was serving the Lord.

So today was Sunday. Fast and testimony meeting. I was not doing so hot. Walking into church and seeing the elders with their nametags and smiles and light made me miss Oregon. And even more so, it made me miss the feeling I had there as a full-time missionary. It's hard not to compare the life I had two weeks ago to the life I live now -- especially when the present seems to pale in comparison. As I sat on the pew, waiting for sacrament meeting to start, I reflected on how I've been living my life lately, and I realized some things. I haven’t been studying in the mornings. I still read the scriptures, but I don’t really study, if that makes sense. That and I haven’t been keeping up the schedule of going to bed early and getting up early. I go to bed at midnight or so and wake up at 8. And I just feel gross when I do that. So I was sad about it. Also, this morning I cared more about my outfit than reading my scriptures, and that was a problem.

The meeting progressed. About halfway through, I moved to sit with one of my favorite families in the ward, the Sweats. Their mom was at home sick and their dad’s in the bishopric so he was on the stand, leaving three young girls unattended (ages 9, 7, and 6). I scooted over and leaned over to the 6 year old, whispering that I was going to bear my testimony. I knew that I needed to be accountable to someone so that I wouldn’t chicken out. She smiled, letting me know that she would make sure I got up there. So the bearing of testimonies went on, and the spirit was so strong. I was teary the whole time. The meeting was about 5 minutes to being done when I still hadn't gone up -- so the girls decided to take things into their own hands. “Why haven’t you gone up yet?” they asked innocently. I answered with some lame excuse about not having enough time, feeling kind of nervous, blah blah blah. So Ariana frankly replied, “You did it before, why are you afraid to do it now?”

It was an innocent reference to how I had spoken in church the week before, but it hit me as a message directly from the Spirit. You did it before. You’ve lived by the spirit, received and followed revelation. You know how to rely on the Lord and to put Him first, above all else. You’ve grown. You’ve studied your scriptures every morning, prayed like there was nothing else in the world to do, lived your life with meaning and purpose. You did it all before. Why are you afraid to do it now?

In that instant I realized that my life is no different than it was before. The basic principles are all completely the same. Pray and study first thing every morning. Take care of your body. Love the Lord. Share the gospel. Live by revelation and always follow the Spirit. Boldly share your beliefs and your testimony. Pray for charity and love everyone. Help, inspire, lift, and bless others with your light. Hope on, journey on. I know how to do this. And the best part? I don't have to do it alone.

Salem, Oregon

Last Wednesday was one of the most memorable days of my life.

I'd finally fallen asleep at around 3:30 that morning. I was restless, unfocused, and antsy--which didn't bode well with my trying to finish a writing assignment due at 11 the next day (or, I guess, the same day). I woke up at 6:30 because I had work. Except I actually hit snooze twice, slumped out of bed around 6:50, pulled a shirt over my head and jeans over my feet and sleepwalked to the car.

I can't remember a longer morning. Every minute felt multiplied as I thought of the possibilities that lay ahead of me. Mission call, I kept thinking. It's all I could think about or talk about, though at the same time, I knew that dwelling on it would only make the time creep by slower, so there was a constant mind battle going on. (The side about my call won.)

Cue 10 o' clock. There's me sitting in the library staring at my laptop wondering how I could turn a scripture into a verse of hymn. And then there's me distracting myself by talking to Tyler and telling him what was happening that night.

In my class/final, I announced to everyone the reason I would be rushing home afterward--something very important was happening. My professor even prayed that I would have a confirmation of the spirit when I opened that envelope and that I would know it was right. We then proceeded to sing the hymns we wrote for two hours (our final was a writing assignment in which we were to pick a favorite chapter of scripture and fit the words to a hymn of our choice). Finally finally finally it was 1 o' clock.

I remember the next 15 minutes of my life exceptionally clearly. I stupidly took the long way out of the JFSB, ran and walked down the RB stairs, said hi to Alyssa as I sped by her, and ran past the Smith Fieldhouse to the third row of the student parking lot where I had parked. I stuck my iPod into its auxiliary cable and "If It's Love" by Train came on. Rolling the windows, I sang as loud as my voice would allow as I drove (I did not speed) home. I parked in the second spot on the right, pounded up the stairs, threw open my door, tossed my backpack onto the couch, and snatched the mail key off the nail in the wall. I stepped outside. And then I was standing in front of the mailbox, arm outstretched, key in hand.

And I just stood there.

What if it didn't come? was one of the thoughts that went through my head. In retrospect, it was probably the only one that I could process, the only one I could actually use words to express. I just paused. There was a lot of weight that was going to come with that letter, and I guess I just didn't know if I was ready to carry it yet.

The hesitation didn't last though. After about 10 seconds, the lock was turning and I was staring at my future. Hashtag destiny hashtag so cheesy. But it's true. I picked it up and stared at the words "Sister Bronwyn Elise Bent." Somehow, all the antsy-ness, impatience, and anxiety dissipated. A calm patience came over my heart, and my eyes welled up. Okay, I cried. This should surprise no one. My roommates weren't home, so I actually ran to apartment 6 and banged on the door, but no one was home there either. So I went over to the little hill of grass just outside our living room window and sat down. I was holding it in my hands. My 6-month struggle had not been in vain; here was the fruit of my labors. I looked at it, hugged it, and thanked God for everything. I had never felt so blessed (well, until later on in the evening, but at the moment I had never felt so blessed).

Fast forward 8 hours after a shower, 3-hour nap, cleaning spree, and episode of Chopped. I'm standing on my couch in my living room, which is crowded with 25+ dear friends, including some family skyping in from California and Maryland. Lauren walks in (at last!) and that's my cue. With shaking hands, I slide the letter open through the top and pull out a packet and a sheet of paper. Sit down. Flip paper over and begin reading.

Oh wait, I forgot--I was already crying at this point.

So I tried to read but it was probably all just blubbering.

"Dear Sister Bent..."

A pause to breathe and control myself.

"You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints."

And then my eyes were on the second line. I saw where I would be going before I had time to read a single word of it. Cue more tears, closed eyes, deep breaths, and a silent prayer. I sobbed/smiled. (Smobbed? Smibed?) Everyone yelled at me because I totally left them hanging. Oops. So I continued:

"You are assigned to labor in the Oregon Salem Mission."

And the crowd goes wild! Joy, pride, and gratitude swelled in my heart and manifested itself in streaks down my face (I really can't help it you guys...). I can't remember ever feeling happier. In that moment, Heavenly Father answered countless prayers and blessings, namely that I would be able to go on a mission at all, and also that I would feel a confirmation of the spirit that my call was received with divine revelation. And it was.

I am one hundred percent confident that Salem, Oregon, is exactly where I need to be. I know what my Savior expects of me. I'm bringing the fire. And Oregon better get ready.

To Whom It May Concern:

March 29th. I didn't take my phone to the gym; I left it on the coffee table in the living room. When I got back, I had four missed calls and a text message. People don't usually call me. There were two from my mom, two from numbers I didn't recognize. Two voicemails. One from my mom, one from my bishop, and all it said was "Bronwyn, it's Bishop. Call me back!" And then the text? "Bronwyn it's bishop give me a call when you get a chance thanks bye." Whenever anyone tells me that they need to talk to me, my stomach sinks, and because of all the hold ups in my mission papers thus far, I felt sure that Bishop Donaldson was calling to deliver more bad news. I mentally prepared myself for the disappointment as I pressed the worn down green button and waited somewhat anxiously as the line rang too many times.

At long last, he answered: "Hello, this is Lee."

"Hi Bishop, it's Bronwyn!"

"Oh hi, Bronwyn. How are you doing?"

"Good," I responded. Cut to the chase, I thought.

"President Lusvardi is going to submit your papers this weekend. You still want to go on a mission, right?"

Shocks. Gasps. Heartbursts. "Wha-- Y-yes. YES."

The thing is, I thought I'd have to meet with my stake president again. I thought it would take more weeks on top of the months that I'd already waited through. I knew it would happen eventually, but I had stopped hoping for it to happen any time soon. I had honestly prepared myself to wait as long as I needed to--finally, I'd reached the point where I felt patient. The fact that I knew I was going was enough. However long it would take, I would wait. And, as it turned out, I had to wait quite a while.

But he explained to me that I didn't have to re-meet with President. He said that they talked, and they both agreed that I was ready, and they believed in me. I'd gotten all the clearance I needed--there was nothing left to do other than submit my papers, and that was going to be done within days. Days! I hardly knew the meaning of the word. After a timeline measured in months, my reality was shortened to days. And in just a five-minute conversation with my bishop. In five minutes, my waiting was almost over. Almost...

I had my first meeting with the bishop on October 9th, and we started the process that evening. It's been six months since I started my mission papers, only six months--but it's been almost three years since I decided I was going to go. This has been in the works for a while... And I'd venture to say that it's been in God's plan for always.

April 1st. My mission papers are in.

Decisions

I have about 10 unfinished drafts hanging around in my inbox, and it's about time I posted some of them suckers. That's what I intended to do originally, right? (Actually, I think I'm going to make that a for-real goal. I am going to post all these drafts that are just bummin' around. Ha!) Anyway, I just happened upon this one and was moved by how strongly I felt this... And how everything is okay now. It really is okay. I've been incredibly blessed and guided through the trial. And like I've mentioned before, I believe that I am in the process of coming out triumphant.

Anyways, I wrote this roughly four weeks ago. Take from it what you will.

-----------------------------------------

Life changes. It's the end of an age. Don't cry because it's over. This is the start of something new. And etc.

I am losing three of my closest friends very shortly. Okay, I shouldn't say losing, but they're all going away and I am having trouble coming to terms with it. Obviously there's nothing I can do, but I am going to hang on to these next few days with all my strength. I don't want to be misunderstood -- I am absolutely thrilled for the adventures that these ladies are embarking on, I'm just a little sad that I won't be there for the ride.

I don't know. I guess I don't have that much more to say about it. It just adds to the everything that is changing in just a few short weeks. And I mean every single aspect of everything.

But you know, this is okay. I am going to be okay. I feel at peace with the choices I've made -- I know that they are the right ones. And it is just so amazing to me how quickly after the storm I am comforted. I'm not alone.

Heavenly Father is good to me.

New Morning

Disclaimer: The following blog post may or may not cause this:

Let me tell you something.

My knee caps are sore. I've been kneeling beside my bed, staring at this computer screen, while my stomach and heart are both going wild with elation. So many thoughts are whizzing and whirling around each other but for some reason I have no idea which words to type out first. And so you get this firsthand account of my train of thought.

I have no reason to feel the way I do, and yet this sudden, unexplainable passion for life seems to be bursting out of my face. I want to run down the street with my arms outstretched and yell and laugh and twirl and tell everyone how happy I am to be alive. I want to be alive. I had a cooped-up day--too many hours were spent watching Parenthood and napping--and my number one priority right now is to make sure that tomorrow is not the same. To be completely honest, I've had a cooped-up past couple of months. It's not news that my life since last September has been a wreck. Or at least, I've been a wreck. I've had more tearful nights than I care to admit. I've been hopeless and careless and faithless. I've had sleepless nights and grumpy mornings and angry days. I've woken up at 3am with an apathetic heart and had to drag myself unwillingly to class and to work and to the grocery store. I've thought and feared that my passion has left me, but I am thrilled to be able to ardently proclaim that it has not. I love life; I love living it. I love the endless possibilities it is offering me and praying that I will accept. I love what I can create and instigate. I have so much more power than I ever give myself credit for, and somehow, I am climbing out of a three-month pit triumphant. Not by myself, no, not even close. And I know I have a ways to go, but I'm getting there. And most importantly (at least to me, and right now), I know what passion is and I know that I have it because I can feel it again.

The world inspires me; humankind inspires me; the gospel inspires me. There is too much wonder in the world to live without excitement. Yet I seem to fall over and over again into the trap of thinking that I have no control over what happens to me or I can't effect any change in my life. Well, guess what--I can. And I am going to. I'm going to do so every day for the rest of my life. For too long I have sat waiting for good things to happen to me and become angry or bitter when they haven't. I've compared myself to others and made life a competition, when all I should've done is opened my eyes and enjoyed what I've had all along. Yeah, that's over. I'm done. That mindset is fatal and I won't submit to it any more.

"I've been calm all my life... I'm gonna do something about that."

I feel like... I feel like I'm back. Hah, and I'm just beaming you guys. Maybe this will seem silly in the morning but right here and right now, it's all very real. Everything is okay; everything is fantastic. I know who I am. I really, really do.

Here's to hoping this feeling is more than just a momentary one.

"Have you heard who you are?"

"You're a new morning."

It's been a while

Hello, Blogging World. Yes, I know it's been a while. I'm sorry I've been so MIA lately. No, no, it's nothing you did--I've just had a lot going on. What's that you ask? Well, it's a long story... No, it's not really a long story. You're right. That's just what people say when they really don't want to elaborate. Okay, so I don't want to talk about it. Can we move on?

Anyway. I wanted to address some things that have been happening in my life lately, more for my sake than yours. My thoughts are not even remotely organized so I'm going to try the best I can, but it's going to be a bit sporadic. But hopefully not more-than-a-bit sporadic.

Um, I have at least half a dozen blog posts saved as drafts that I never got around to finishing or publishing (obviously); I should probably finish those. That's going to be my goal this upcoming week. Except for one draft that was never intended to be published, it was just kind of notes to myself while I was on the internet one night and I figured out something that I promise is only relevant to me and none of you and had to write it down. That's all. ...Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, there are a few things I wanted to address. Right? Right.

I have some rad news: I am going to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm working on my papers right now and I am thrilled. What an opportunity. But no, I don't have my call yet, and no, my papers aren't actually in yet. I wish they were! But something came up and they will take longer than expected. I didn't kill anyone, the BYU Health Center is just super booked so when I had to make a return appointment, they didn't have any openings until January. So they won't be in until January, at least. I promise I will let the world know the moment they are in and the moment I get my call and the moment I find out where I'm going. You can count on it. Let's all heed the old saying that goes, 'a watched cookie never burns*,' or something like that. Just... It'll happen when it happens.

...But this is the picture that the Twelve will see when they decide where in the world I am going to spend a year and a half of my life :D My hair is, sadly, no longer this vibrantly red. It's quite faded, more like auburn now. I miss it. And I'm going to miss it even more when I go back to my natural color for the mish, but hey, who wants to be worrying about her roots when she's trying to serve the Lord? Not this girl.

So yeah. Mission. So stoked. Anyway... Okay I swear there were at least five points that I wanted to make. I should've made an outline.

I'm going to stop right here with a solemn promise to blog more and to get all these drafts published. For realsies. I mean, I'm not going to publish them all in one day and completely overwhelm you (and more importantly, me) but I will get them done. Pinky swear.

Oh, and you all deserve to hear this. Just listen.

*For the record, I know the actual saying. You don't have to mourn my lack of cultural knowledge, I know it.

70 Reasons to Smile

I made a goal to write down five things each day that I was grateful for/happy about that day. Here they are.

17 September
1. SouthEnd Market had cheap vanilla soymilk. I got some and it was delicious.
2. We watched a movie in my first class, which relaxed me after a stressful morning.
3. Brother Haws offered some beautiful insights. I got a lot out of sections 88 and 93 of the Doctrine and Covenants.
4. My roommates love me despite my many, many faults.
5. We had a delicious late night snack thanks to the collaboration of Taylor's and Sadie's foods.

18 September
6. I didn't have to go into work till 2:30, so I had time to finish my homework!
7. Anna and Becca let me borrow their clothes so I didn't have to go to class in my Tucanos uniform.
8. I had a good, long talk with Natalie.
9. I bought cinnamon graham crackers :)
10. I remembered how much I love the song Boogie Shoes by KC & The Sunshine Band, so I found it on Spotify and listened to it. A lot of times.

19 September
11. Sadie helped me with my project.
12. Becca let me borrow her bike.
13. Joe fixed our dryer!
14. I got to see 83, all of whom I have missed dearly.
15. Sadie and I went on a very nice bike ride.

20 September
16. Jennie shared her chips and salsa with me.
17. Spotify has all the Disney music. So naturally, I listened to all the Disney music.
18. My teacher told my class that our logo designs were good :)
19. It was cool enough to wear a sweater for a little bit.
20. Heavenly Father answered a prayer and I recognized it immediately.

21 September
21. Grant and I had a heart to heart.
22. I think I am getting better at my job!
23. Becca and co. visited me after work!
24. I stuck to my goal.
25. My motivation to stick to my goal never left.

22 September
26. Sadie got engaged!
27. My break was really relaxing.
28. I was reminded that is important to slow down.
29. I resolved to not let myself get stuck like last year.
30. Becca and I had a heart to heart :)

23 September
31. I got to go to the Brigham City temple dedication!
32. I took a great nap.
33. Heart to heart with Parker (a lot of heart-to-hearts lately).
34. I watched the trailer for and got really excited about Les Miserables.
35. I enjoyed our Relief Society presidency meeting, as always.

24 September
36. I slept in (on accident, but it was still great to get an extra hour and a half of snoozin').
37. I bought grapes.
38. I exchanged my shoes for ones that aren't broken, and boy are they cute.
39. I drank chocolate milk.
40. I got a good grade on my paper.

25 September
41. Mumford & Sons' new album came in the mail today.
42. Mumford & Sons' new album came in the mail today.
43. Mumford & Sons' new album came in the mail today.
44. Mumford & Sons' new album came in the mail today.
45. Mumford & Sons' new album came in the mail today.

26 September
46. I listened to Babel all day and fell in love with Mumford all over again.
47. I wore my mom's comfy sweater.
48. Jennie helped me think of things that I'm grateful for.
49. Rachel closed, so I got home 30 minutes earlier than I would have.
50. I found a free pattern for a hat I want to knit.

27 September
51. I saw Hawaii friends at Tucanos.
52. I got to talk to my mom, albeit it only for a few minutes.
53. I read me some Harry Potter.
54. I got to know some of the girls in my ward a little bit better.
55. I survived another day.

28 September
56. I talked to my dad on the phone for a little bit.
57. I saw Katie Belliston in the library.
58. I saw Hayley Rozsa at Tucanos.
59. I talked to Alex on the phone.
60. Will kept me company while I closed.

29 September
61. I didn't have to work, so I actually got some sleep!
62. I got to go to the Relief Society session of General Conference.
63. Alex and I went to Walmart.
64. I got strawberries and fruit snacks.
65. Mumford brought me some comfort. Comfort & Sons. Heh heh.

30 September
66. Church was so, so, SO wonderful.
67. I got to go to ward council. Which I love.
68. We had crepes with Relief Society!
69. Everyone helped clean up.
70. We got home taught :)

Very few words.

Why, then, is there despair?

I'm trying to understand, trying to see that there must be something better in store for me. Trying to have hope.

"Hope... is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brilliant dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world of relativism, confusion, and of fear."

Confusion and fear. Those are the two emotions I am currently experiencing.

I just got an email that shook things up a bit, to say the least. Everything has changed, and I am unsure what to do next.

But I need to look past this. My life is so much more than what I will be doing this summer. There must be something better, something I don't know about. It'll show up.

P.S.

There seems to be a general feeling of anxiousness for the new semester, so I just wanted to say that I feel it too.

I realized on December 23rd how nervous I am to go back to school. (I wrote about it in my journal. I don't just remember dates like that, hah.) I'm scared to enter into new classes where I know no one, to try in vain (again) to make friends, to try to figure out what I want to major in, what I want to do with my life, etc etc. I've changed so much this semester, in some good ways but also in some ways that I don't like. It's going to take a lot to reverse some of those changes, but I need to feel like myself again.
It's so weird. A year ago, I wanted nothing more than to be at BYU. I was ecstatic when I got accepted. And don't get me wrong, I love it. But it's so different, and I'm not completely used to it yet. When I want something, I often think that it'll be perfect immediately and I'll love every second of it. I forget how much time and work it takes to get used to things. I didn't love Hawaii instantly; it wasn't until second semester that I fell in love with it and realized that it was a home to me. So I'm hoping that the same thing will happen this semester. Sigh. Fingers are crossed :)

It is a huge comfort, though, that I live with some amazing girls. (And if they all had blogs, I'd link to all of them.) And I'm not alone in this. There is someone who knows exactly how I feel.

"[W]herever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Try a little harder to be a little better.

"And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell." (Matthew 5:30)

While studying this in my New Testament class, I couldn't shake the feeling that I need to rid myself of facebook! It's great, sure. It enables old friends to reconnect and for everyone else to stalk you constantly and find out a little too much about your life. I've abused it and become addicted. I can't even open my computer without checking it; therefore, I'm cutting it off. It's not worth it.

Sayonara, facebook. This feels so weird. Nevertheless, I know it's something I need to do. Maybe one day I'll reactivate it, but for now, there's no way.

In other news, Sunrise Tangerine Strawberry Crystal Light is a-may-za-zing.

It's cold!

I'm listening to Dreamstreet.

I went grocery shopping! (I LOVE grocery shopping.)

Alex, Caitlin, Kaleb, and Laura introduced me to a weirdly fun ninja video game.

Snow. The first week of October? Really?

I'm going to Divine Comedy!

I still have yet to go on a date. Freakin' Provo.

Nate can play Such Great Heights on guitar! I'm adding that quality to my future-husband-requirements list.

My blossoming-English-major-roommate Taylor got accepted into the London study abroad program! She's brilliant! I am SO PROUD of her. (She's also a freshman. Canya believe it?!) I can't lie, I'm gonna miss her so much when she's gone. But everyone's been telling her not to go; I think she should take advantage of this awesome opportunity. I don't want her to be 5 weeks into winter semester at Provo and think, 'Wow, I could be in London right now.' She'd regret it. But I seriously doubt that while in London, she'll think, 'I so wish I was in Provo right now.' I mean, sure, she'll miss some people, but it'll be so worth it! I'm so jealous -- she might run into Matt!! (For those unawares, Matt White, one of my besties, is currently serving in the England Manchester mission.) I feel like there are so many opportunities that I'm not taking because I'm more concerned about my bank account than my personal well-being. I worry all the time about being poor. It's silly. But then again, I'm pretty much a professional when it comes to worrying about silly things.
...In fact, I was so impressed by the initiative that Taylor took -- not worrying about not getting in and just going for it -- that I've started looking at some study abroad programs myself! Wales study abroad, English Language in Britain, or London Theatre. Thoughts? I could also potentially go to Kenya to teach Sign Language this summer. There is much to think about...

I'm trying harder to be a little better. I hope there will be some noticeable improvement :) At the very least, I hope to become more productive with my time and maybe even go to my History class for once in my life.

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."

Oh, Gordon.

:)