Disclaimer: The following blog post may or may not cause this:
My knee caps are sore. I've been kneeling beside my bed, staring at this computer screen, while my stomach and heart are both going wild with elation. So many thoughts are whizzing and whirling around each other but for some reason I have no idea which words to type out first. And so you get this firsthand account of my train of thought.
I have no reason to feel the way I do, and yet this sudden, unexplainable passion for life seems to be bursting out of my face. I want to run down the street with my arms outstretched and yell and laugh and twirl and tell everyone how happy I am to be alive. I want to be alive. I had a cooped-up day--too many hours were spent watching Parenthood and napping--and my number one priority right now is to make sure that tomorrow is not the same. To be completely honest, I've had a cooped-up past couple of months. It's not news that my life since last September has been a wreck. Or at least, I've been a wreck. I've had more tearful nights than I care to admit. I've been hopeless and careless and faithless. I've had sleepless nights and grumpy mornings and angry days. I've woken up at 3am with an apathetic heart and had to drag myself unwillingly to class and to work and to the grocery store. I've thought and feared that my passion has left me, but I am thrilled to be able to ardently proclaim that it has not. I love life; I love living it. I love the endless possibilities it is offering me and praying that I will accept. I love what I can create and instigate. I have so much more power than I ever give myself credit for, and somehow, I am climbing out of a three-month pit triumphant. Not by myself, no, not even close. And I know I have a ways to go, but I'm getting there. And most importantly (at least to me, and right now), I know what passion is and I know that I have it because I can feel it again.
The world inspires me; humankind inspires me; the gospel inspires me. There is too much wonder in the world to live without excitement. Yet I seem to fall over and over again into the trap of thinking that I have no control over what happens to me or I can't effect any change in my life. Well, guess what--I can. And I am going to. I'm going to do so every day for the rest of my life. For too long I have sat waiting for good things to happen to me and become angry or bitter when they haven't. I've compared myself to others and made life a competition, when all I should've done is opened my eyes and enjoyed what I've had all along. Yeah, that's over. I'm done. That mindset is fatal and I won't submit to it any more.
"I've been calm all my life... I'm gonna do something about that."
I feel like... I feel like I'm back. Hah, and I'm just beaming you guys. Maybe this will seem silly in the morning but right here and right now, it's all very real. Everything is okay; everything is fantastic. I know who I am. I really, really do.
Here's to hoping this feeling is more than just a momentary one.
"Have you heard who you are?"
"You're a new morning."