Cloud Atlas

I wish I had the words.

I am so often scared that I have forgotten how to feel things. That I go through life and don't notice small things, beautiful things. That I can't remember how to relate to people or open up. Be honest. I feel that I don't have meaningful conversations and I fear that I am forgettable. What if I've forgotten how to relate to people? What if I don't know how to fall in love? I'm afraid that I am incapable of higher emotion. I can feel momentary elation. I can get scared. I can cry because I'm sad. In fact, I experience these things all the time. But what about joy. Empathy. Loyalty. Passion. Love. I don't know where my passion went. I don't know when it went. I just remember walking in the courtyard of the jfsb one day during winter semester and talking to my mom on the phone, tearing up because I'd realized that it was gone. I hadn't noticed it leave. I want to feel things strongly again. I want courage, peace, excitement, devotion, spirit. Happiness? Maybe. Some days I wonder... Most of all, I want to love with all my soul, love with a love that is more than love. I want to feel connected with the world around me. After all, "our lives are not our own." There is something so much greater than what I am. Some times, like tonight, I am reminded of that so strongly that I can't believe I ever forgot. But I do. I forget, and then grace is kind enough to remind me again. Then, I am hopeful. I have hope that I will one day be able to feel strongly and passionately; that I won't fear love, but embrace it; that I will see beauty in everything, and not be ashamed to cry; and that, after all this, I won't forget, but grow in my remembrance and passions. When that day comes, I will be able to express how I feel.

But I don't -- at least, not the right ones. So just listen to this. Listen, and feel.

I wrote a poem.

It's not a very good poem. I am by no means a good poet, but, by virtue of the fact that I just wrote a poem, I suppose I am one, albeit a lousy one. Anyway. I wrote this for my English class because I was told to and because I need to remind myself of my dreams every once in a while.
(I am making this seem like it's not a big deal to me because if it's not a big deal, then it doesn't matter if it's any good or not. I can just pretend I don't care. But I do care. I care a lot. Just for the record.)

Haven't any of you ever had a dream?

Okay. Without further ado:

To sleep long and deep, with dancing dreams that keep me calm

to sip cocoa by campfires, snuggled up with my boy

to wear flowers in my hair

run barefoot through a field

and twirl, sing, breathe

Not to change to fit others, or pretend I'm not scared,

or to realize after all this time I was wrong

but to finally feel like myself

and know it's because of you

and watch you smile.

For reals this time

I feel stupid for blogging about this. First a post about hair, and now this?? Oh well. It needs to be done.

Things are about to get personal. Are you ready?

I'm uncomfortable with my body. I have low self confidence, getting dressed is the most frustrating five minutes of my day, and I never think I look good. Listen, I know I'm not fat. You don't need to insist that I'm not fat, because I know. But I'm over average, and I don't like that. I know I have infinite worth and I know I'm a daughter of God, so don't be concerned. I just don't feel awesome, and I should! I'm 20! I should be an irresistable freakin' babe. But instead, I find myself lazy, lethargic, and, well... squishy. I am squishy.

Health-wise, college has not been awesome to me. I gained 20 pounds my freshman year. When I came back home for the summer, I lost half of that. I hung out around at 150 pounds for the duration of my sophomore year, until I went to London and gained about 15 more pounds. Don't worry -- every Nutella-smothered biscuit and crepe I ate was delicious. I regret nothing. But I haven't lost any of that weight, and it's been almost four months since I got home. It is time to do something about it.

When I was a senior in high school, I dropped a lot of weight for prom. The truth of the matter is I had gotten my dress from a vintage store, and thus there was only one of it, and therefore only one size. And that one size happened to be too small. But I was absolutely in love with the dress, and it was only $60, which for a prom dress was a total steal. So I bought it anyway. I then cracked down and followed this hardcore diet that I would never recommend to anyone. I literally only ate a limited amount of fruits, nuts, eggs, and vegetables. In two weeks, during which I was very cranky, I lost ten pounds. But I looked HOT.

I don't want to be unhealthy this time around, but I do want to see if I can get back down to that weight, because I felt great. And I want to feel like that again. So, without further ado, a progress/goal/chart/picture thingy:

starting weight: 164 (10/3/2012)

goal weight 1: 160

goal weight 2: 155

goal weight 3: 150

goal weight 4: 145

goal weight 5: 140

ultimate goal weight: 135 lbs.

Feel free to offer all the words of encouragement that your brain can come up with. And by that I mean please, please, please help me stay motivated. I'm notorious for giving up. And I'm tired of starting over.