It's not just one thing

Humiliation is coursing through my veins and redemption is impossible. Why can't I just be myself lately? Urggh.

It's never one thing. Single events hardly phase me -- it's always a bunch of unrelated events that I can deal with, one after another, cool. I'm still fine. But just one more -- and there's not a certain number, so I can never predict when this is going to happen -- one more thing will happen that just pushes me over the edge. One event means everything and defines my existence for days to come. How? Sure, it was important to me, but it wasn't that important. It shouldn't have had such a huge effect. I shouldn't have cared that much. But I have all these repressed cares that have been ignored for the past few weeks because I keep insisting that I'm fine; I have emotions that I didn't even know were there that just come spilling out because of one event. One single, humiliating event just does me in.

P.S.

There seems to be a general feeling of anxiousness for the new semester, so I just wanted to say that I feel it too.

I realized on December 23rd how nervous I am to go back to school. (I wrote about it in my journal. I don't just remember dates like that, hah.) I'm scared to enter into new classes where I know no one, to try in vain (again) to make friends, to try to figure out what I want to major in, what I want to do with my life, etc etc. I've changed so much this semester, in some good ways but also in some ways that I don't like. It's going to take a lot to reverse some of those changes, but I need to feel like myself again.
It's so weird. A year ago, I wanted nothing more than to be at BYU. I was ecstatic when I got accepted. And don't get me wrong, I love it. But it's so different, and I'm not completely used to it yet. When I want something, I often think that it'll be perfect immediately and I'll love every second of it. I forget how much time and work it takes to get used to things. I didn't love Hawaii instantly; it wasn't until second semester that I fell in love with it and realized that it was a home to me. So I'm hoping that the same thing will happen this semester. Sigh. Fingers are crossed :)

It is a huge comfort, though, that I live with some amazing girls. (And if they all had blogs, I'd link to all of them.) And I'm not alone in this. There is someone who knows exactly how I feel.

"[W]herever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

"Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear."

I love it when the free iTunes singles of the week are good! Little Talks, by Of Monsters and Men. Oh yes.

I've never really gotten into the hype of New Year's. It's probably my least favorite holiday -- next to Valentine's Day, that is. Yes, I'm just another bitter single person who hates on the holiday because she's got nobody to love. Anyway, New Year's. I just don't think it deserves all the hooplah that it gets. January 1st is just another day to me, no different than the one before. And New Year's Eve isn't super special either; it's the same thing every year. We wait up till midnight, drink some bubbly, and hug each other. La dee dah. I've never made any resolutions either, probably because I'd be kidding myself if I thought I'd even keep them for more than a week. However, this year, I actually made some! They're little and simple, but I didn't want to bite off more than I can chew.
1. Learn a new song on the piano every month
Achieving this might be a little difficult since I don't have whenever-I-feel-like-it access to a piano, but... I'll find a way.
2. Make friends in all of my classes
Um, yeah. I don't wanna be that person that sits in the back and doesn't talk to anyone anymore. That's not like me at all.
3. Don't be anti-social
This one is kind of weird because I don't think it's anything I can check off or say, "Yes, I accomplished that on this day." I'll just have to look back and evaluate. But it's really important because I feel like I was not my complete self this past semester, and I don't want to feel that way again. I want to be my weird self without feeling like I'm pretending or forcing it.
4. Don't get married.
...This is kind of a joke, kind of not. According to Claire and Eric, at BYU, one is never more than 6 months away from being married. I don't think it's going to be a struggle, I just wanted to make sure there would be one resolution I would actually keep :)


See ya tomorrow, Provo. I've missed you.

"I'm disappointed with the geek section on Pinterest."

"There's a sexy picture of Catwoman. What, it's geeky because it's from Batman? Come on. Oh, and here are some shoes that look like cats. Those aren't geeky, they're weird. Every once in a while a LEGO person comes up. This is pathetic."

Don't hate me for posting this picture.

She hates nail polish and shopping. Instead of a cell phone, she carries her DS with her everywhere. She loves stories about dragons and mages and lots of words that I don't know the exact meaning of, but usually have something to do with fantasy and magic. She geeks out over Age of Empires with me - loves it almost as much as I do. She knows every Legend of Zelda song on piano. I promise she will beat you in Mario Kart, and you can bet that she created a cast for The Hunger Games before it came out. And she already picked out every flaw in the actual cast.

Together, Tierney and Colin make up this power geek force to be freakin' reckoned with. The more I spend time with them over break, the more I realize I have no idea what they are talking about 80% of the time. They are kind enough to fill me in on some stuff, most of it is just way beyond my level of understanding. But I was thinking about it, and I'm glad my siblings aren't "cool." First of all, if they were, they wouldn't want to hang out with me, because I am definitely not "cool." And second of all, they just wouldn't be as interesting. I am never bored when I am with these guys.

THEY'RE JUST SO FUNNY. Writing about them is doing them no justice because you have to be around my family and firsthand experience their awesomeness. No, they're beyawesomeness! You're never going to understand... aaah. They're so funny. What the heck. "Oh good for you, now you're gonna have probably get a bellyache. That's why you shouldn't eat so much candy."

Oh, and you should know, that my 9-year-old sister Fiona is just as much a champion at video games as they are.

While driving up to my grandparents' house, the kids of the family reenacted Les Miserables. I was Fantine, Tierney was Cosette, Fiona was young Cosette, Claire was Eponine, and Colin and Eric were every male part.

My family quotes Megamind and Fantastic Mr. Fox more than anything. Actually, we probably just quote everything. When someone says something funny, everyone questions its originality. I can be funny too, people. Just give me a chance!

Aw, presh. Make your own assumptions about why the heart is there.

La la la, break should never end!

"I feel like I... learned something..."

Yesterday, I did everything in my power to avoid studying for finals.
Don't believe me? I...
- did 2 loads of laundry
- started packing for home
- organized my wardrobe into multiple groups:
1. Things I'm giving to Tierney
2. Things I'm giving to D.I.
3. Things I want but don't need because Utah is freezing
4. Things I need but don't want because Utah is freezing
5. Things to fold and put back in my drawers
- went to an Anberlin concert with Jennie!
- cut up an old t-shirt and made a headband
- cleaned the kitchen
- bought and listened to Mat Kearney's album, Young Love
- organized my jewelry, getting rid of everything I don't love
- ate. A lot.

The list goes on. One might wonder how I got to such a deep level of not caring. I have pinpointed four main reasons for the demise of my motivation.
I realized that even if I failed my Humanities final, I would still end up with an A in the class.
I realized that even if I failed my History final, I would still end up with a C in the class.
I realized that the amount I studied for my previous History tests was inversely proportional to how well I did on the test.
I am so over this semester. You don't even know. (This reason is kind of a cop out. Sorry about that.)

But none of this even matters any more because I AM DONNNNNEEEE!
And despite the amount of attention I did not pay in History, despite the many times I ditched Humanities, I do feel like I learned something.
Now if only I could figure out what that is exactly...

I'll be home tomorrow!
I can't wait to see these beautiful people:

Lovelovelovelovelove them.

How many blogs have you blogged?

I've been thinking a lot ever since I started my blog about how inconsistent of a blogger I am. How infrequent I am. How lame I am. How I have to practically force myself to try, Bronwyn, try and write something interesting today, but whenever something interesting happens, I a) forget about it, or b) have no desire to blog about it. With all these thoughts running around and bumpin' into each other in my brain, but never forming themselves into coherent, substantial ideas or answers to my problem, I somehow reached a conclusion: I hate blogging.
What? Let me try again.
I somehow reached a conclusion: I hate writing in general.
Not even close to true.
I somehow reached a conclusion: I hate writing about myself, therefore I hate blogging.
Aye, there's the rub.

So this is a problem for me. I love writing. I actually would love to be a writer or an editor (or a high school English teacher, but... that's kinda on the DL. I don't know yet). However, I've got a long way to go before I'm good enough to be any of those things. And I'm not just referring to the fact that I still have at least 3 years left of undergrad work, I mean my writing skills are subpar. I need to practice. But what better way to practice writing than to write about seemingly mundane things an in interesting fashion on my blog? Yep. Time to pull up my bootstraps and do this thing. You may now expect... Actually, I'm not gonna make any promises. Just know that I will be making a conscious effort to blog more and blog better.

Goodbye.

P.S. Also, this:

Guess-

-where am I going to be in approximately 4 1/2 months? (Why does that feel like such a long time?)

:)

I got into the London Study Abroad program.

:)

Yay.

On a different note, Zooey Deschanel is my girl crush.  I kind of want to be her.

Heck yeah.

Also, I have never felt more like an LDS girl stereotype than when I showed Adam, David, and Nate my wedding board on Pinterest. -____- Remind me that if I want that board to become a reality, I need to not show boys things like that. Yuck.