I have about 10 unfinished drafts hanging around in my inbox, and it's about time I posted some of them suckers. That's what I intended to do originally, right? (Actually, I think I'm going to make that a for-real goal. I am going to post all these drafts that are just bummin' around. Ha!) Anyway, I just happened upon this one and was moved by how strongly I felt this... And how everything is okay now. It really is okay. I've been incredibly blessed and guided through the trial. And like I've mentioned before, I believe that I am in the process of coming out triumphant.
Anyways, I wrote this roughly four weeks ago. Take from it what you will.
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Life changes. It's the end of an age. Don't cry because it's over. This is the start of something new. And etc. I am losing three of my closest friends very shortly. Okay, I shouldn't say losing, but they're all going away and I am having trouble coming to terms with it. Obviously there's nothing I can do, but I am going to hang on to these next few days with all my strength. I don't want to be misunderstood -- I am absolutely thrilled for the adventures that these ladies are embarking on, I'm just a little sad that I won't be there for the ride. I don't know. I guess I don't have that much more to say about it. It just adds to the everything that is changing in just a few short weeks. And I mean every single aspect of everything.
But you know, this is okay. I am going to be okay. I feel at peace with the choices I've made -- I know that they are the right ones. And it is just so amazing to me how quickly after the storm I am comforted. I'm not alone.
How am I feeling? Filled with the inexplicable desire to go snowboarding.
I'd never been to Sundance Film Festival until today--and I'm still not entirely sure I can say I've been to it, because all we really did was walk around and stalk famous people. And by that I mean we looked inside the building where the private party for HitRecord was being held and Joseph Gordon-Levitt may have been in that building. May have been.
I should've taken more pictures; Park City is absolutely stunning. Oh, and did I mention it was a good 30 degrees warmer there than it is in Provo? I should also mention that you couldn't tell. At all. We were freezing.
He let me play his piano.
I wanted to eat here (wish not granted).
Spencer tried on a frog hat.
And there I am, playing the only song I know.
You know what? I could've played that piano all day. Yes, the same song, the one I learned two years ago, the only one that's remained in my memory, over and over and over. I'd just hit the repeat button on my brain and totally tune out everything else. Yes, that sounds lovely. Sigh. I needed this day. I needed a refreshment. Park City with two of my dearest friends was the perfect refreshment.
It's still weird that I have married friends. I feel like I did when I was nine years old and wanted to stay up late to watch a movie with my older cousins but my mom wouldn't let me; she made me go to bed early; although in this scenario it's the married friends going to bed early. But I'm still the little nine year old struggling to be seen as older than I am.
Sorry about the lack of fluidity of thought. My brain is all over the place these days.
Disclaimer: The following blog post may or may not cause this:
Let me tell you something.
My knee caps are sore. I've been kneeling beside my bed, staring at this computer screen, while my stomach and heart are both going wild with elation. So many thoughts are whizzing and whirling around each other but for some reason I have no idea which words to type out first. And so you get this firsthand account of my train of thought.
I have no reason to feel the way I do, and yet this sudden, unexplainable passion for life seems to be bursting out of my face. I want to run down the street with my arms outstretched and yell and laugh and twirl and tell everyone how happy I am to be alive. I want to bealive. I had a cooped-up day--too many hours were spent watching Parenthood and napping--and my number one priority right now is to make sure that tomorrow is not the same. To be completely honest, I've had a cooped-up past couple of months. It's not news that my life since last September has been a wreck. Or at least, I've been a wreck. I've had more tearful nights than I care to admit. I've been hopeless and careless and faithless. I've had sleepless nights and grumpy mornings and angry days. I've woken up at 3am with an apathetic heart and had to drag myself unwillingly to class and to work and to the grocery store. I've thought and feared that my passion has left me, but I am thrilled to be able to ardently proclaim that it has not. I love life; I love living it. I love the endless possibilities it is offering me and praying that I will accept. I love what I can create and instigate. I have so much more power than I ever give myself credit for, and somehow, I am climbing out of a three-month pit triumphant. Not by myself, no, not even close. And I know I have a ways to go, but I'm getting there. And most importantly (at least to me, and right now), I know what passion is and I know that I have it because I can feel it again.
The world inspires me; humankind inspires me; the gospel inspires me. There is too much wonder in the world to live without excitement. Yet I seem to fall over and over again into the trap of thinking that I have no control over what happens to me or I can't effect any change in my life. Well, guess what--I can. And I am going to. I'm going to do so every day for the rest of my life. For too long I have sat waiting for good things to happen to me and become angry or bitter when they haven't. I've compared myself to others and made life a competition, when all I should've done is opened my eyes and enjoyed what I've had all along. Yeah, that's over. I'm done. That mindset is fatal and I won't submit to it any more.
"I've been calm all my life... I'm gonna do something about that."
I feel like... I feel like I'm back. Hah, and I'm just beaming you guys. Maybe this will seem silly in the morning but right here and right now, it's all very real. Everything is okay; everything is fantastic. I know who I am. I really, really do.
Here's to hoping this feeling is more than just a momentary one.
